Shiver
by Spotlight92
Summary: This is a Kipper fic. Kowalski is falling apart again and Skipper doesn't want anything to do with it this time. It's not how it sounds. I just can't explain it.


**A/N: Hi guys. This has to be one of my one shots that I'm most proud of. I don't know why, but I think I did a really good job. This story was slightly motivated by song _Shiver _written by Coldplay. I used a couple of the lyrics in there, y'know as dialogue. So it can't really be considered as a songfic… Okay, enough of my rambling. Please read and enjoy it… or hate it. I can't really tell you to like it ^^. So… yeah. Go on and read.**

Kowalski walked like he always did through the streets of New York. Only worrying about his destination not the people around him. Which was easy. Most of the time, they moved too fast to be recognized as they rushed off to their destinations as well. And even more so for him because he was in a bit of a haze, just going through the rituals of daily life without thinking twice. He was barely sure that he was going the correct direction. But it didn't really matter. Not to him. 'Cause in that haze he was in, life was surreal. And everyday was like a movie that barely kept his attention. A movie with blurry people walking in the streets.

But, that day, out of the blur, a face became recognizable. A face that made his heart want to burst out of either sheer joy or from pain. The face that put him in this haze. Time slowed as he walked past the shorter figure and he turned his head to him. The figure looked in his direction as well, but his look was expressionless, almost like Kowalski wasn't even there. And just like that, the first time he had been out of his haze in who knows how long, was over and he was back to seeing nothing but blurred, insignificant faces.

Kowalski felt hurt. He couldn't deny that. Those few seconds felt like minutes, hours even. And in those seconds/minutes/hours, Skipper had hurt him. It seemed so irrational, but it still stung. He had ignored him. He didn't pay him no mind.

"Um, sir? Are you alright?" Kowalski was out of that haze again and he saw a kind, young woman staring at him with concern. He stared blankly at the woman before looking down at himself. He was tremoring like a cold Chihuahua.

"Oh... Yes, I'm fine ma'am," He tried to sound as okay as possible, but his voice was shaky.

"Well, okay then. Have a good day," He nodded at her and started walking again, slowly slipping back into his half conscious state.

After 10 minutes, he was home. Well, outside of the apartment door. He rummaged through his pocket looking for the keys when the door suddenly swung open.

"Oh! Hello K'walski!" Private gave a strained smile to the older man.

"Hi," Kowalski said with a monotone. He wasn't in the mood for pleasantries. Especially when he knew he was making the young boy uncomfortable by being so unemotional all the time.

"Well... I have to, uh, go now. Bye," Private stood away from the door and let Kowalski in before leaving. He was slightly surprised that Skipper let him leave by himself. But then he remembered that Skipper had left in the opposite direction as he. So it was unlikely that he was here. Of course Rico would let him go.

But he didn't really care anymore.

"Wa up?" He heard Rico grunt from the kitchen.

"Nothing much," Kowalski didn't look in the man's direction. He didn't need to. He knew he'd see pity in his eyes. He heard Rico begin to say some things but he stopped paying attention and walked into his room. He promptly locked it.

He lay sprawled onto his blue bed sheets. He was nowhere near falling asleep, but he thought his soft bed would help him unwind. Maybe. Hopefully. He turned into the fetal position. He was cold, but too lazy to go under the blankets. He'll do it later.

He couldn't keep living this way. He couldn't go on all depressed like this. But he didn't know how he'd start being happy. Not when his will to live was completely shattered. He shouldn't have let another person into his heart. Not so soon. Doris had already torn him apart from the inside out. She left him there, mutilated and bleeding.

But he got better in time. Thanks to Skipper.

In that time, he took care of his wounds. He gave him his friendship and (At least Kowalski thought so) his love. The tall man had felt love radiating from his leader onto him. He had never felt that from anybody before. And it touched him. It tickled his heart strings. And every time he saw him, his whole day would get instantly brighter and he knew, that he was in love again. It was after about 8 months that he had finally realized it. It completely overwhelmed him and so, he decided to give it a shot. He didn't think he'd get rejected.

"Ohhhhhhh... No. No, soldier. That can't happen," Skipper had said with a sadistic chuckle.

Kowalski shot up into the sitting position on his bed. His stomach had clenched from the memory and tears started to spill from his eyes. Skipper had crushed him. He had put him back where he first started, and probably even lower than that. And he still loved him.

"You'd think I'd learn my lesson," Kowalski said to the quiet of his room. He should've sworn off of love while he was ahead. He wiped his wet cheeks and fell back down on to his bed, just about ready to stay there for the rest of his life.

"Hey Rico. Where's Private?" Kowalski could hear his commanding officer talking from the other side of the door. He heard Rico grunting as well, but as it was already a bit of a job to understand him, Kowalski definitely couldn't decipher what he was saying. "Well... Fine, but alert me first before you let him go out by himself. Understood?" Rico grunted a bit more. "What? You want to go outside too?... Fine. Go. But be back before 11," Kowalski heard the front door open and close a minute later and plopped back onto his bed. This was the first time in a long time he and Skipper were home by themselves, in different rooms mind you, but still alone. It left things oddly quiet and he started to soul search.

Skipper sat at the kitchen table, silently sipping his coffee. It had gotten almost unbearingly quiet since Kowalski plunged into a second depression... The leader sighed and looked across the table to the empty chair that his lieutenant used to occupy. He remembered all the good times they had at the table. The one that was most prominent in his head was that first breakthrough after Doris killed Kowalski's spirit.

_The two of them were sitting at the table long after dinner was finished. Kowalski hadn't eaten in days. He wanted to die. He didn't even have to say anything. Skipper could see it in his eyes and he couldn't let that happen. Not in a million years._

_"Eat Kowalski," Skipper had dark bags under his eyes as he stared intensely at his thinning and decaying friend. Kowalski stared down at his feet, ignoring the plate of salmon in front of him._

_"Skipper... Why won't you just leave me alone?" He picked his head up and stared directly into Skipper's eyes. The leader stood up suddenly and walked over to the taller man._

_"For what? So you can kill yourself over a woman who wasn't worth anything? So you can go and leave your brothers-in-arms? Your family?" Kowalski stared at Skipper with wide, wet eyes before he started messing with his hands. _

_"Go," Kowalski muttered out. Skipper looked at the ground before he slowly started moving away from the table._

_"You still want me to go? Fine. You'll always get your way. I'm going to bed now." Skipper lumbered next to his room door and looked back at Kowalski. "If you need anything, my room door will be open, waiting for you," _

_When he woke up in the morning, Kowalski's plate was on his bed stand with a note on it. _

_"Thank you for being there for me," Skipper read slowly. The soldier set the paper back onto the plate before smiling._

Skipper smiled into his coffee before sobering up and looked through the folder again. He couldn't waste anymore of his time reminiscing about old times with the old Kowalski. The old Kowalski was gone and Skipper wouldn't admit that it was probably his fault.

No, it wasn't his fault. Not at all. It was Kowlaski's. It was Kowalski's fault for being so sensitive and insecure. It wasn't Skipper's, who only did what was right for the poor man who had declared his love to him. They could both get decommissioned if their boss found out they got involved. Skipper did the right thing by rejecting the poor man…

Skipper put his head on the table and groaned. There he went and started feeling guilty for all of this. He picked his head up off the table and took a big gulp of his coffee. Caffeine never failed to help him with emotional problems. He soon went back to studying the file.

A couple of hours later, Skipper had gotten through half of the files in the cabinet when he heard a rustle in Kowalski's room. The commanding officer flinched a bit but didn't get up to check it out. Kowalski wasn't his problem anymore.

_Smash! _

Skipper flinched again. He had to check what was going on.

"Kowalski..." Skipper said sheepishly as he walked towards the bedroom door. He was about 3 feet away from the door when it swung open. Skipper took a step back from the crazy looking man who was now Kowalski. His hair was a mess and his eyes were wide and bloodshot.

"So I looked in your direction... But you paid me no attention, didn't you?" Kowalski lifted the hair from his eyes and took a good look at Skipper. He looked a bit nervous and uncomfortable. Kowalski sighed and let his hair fall back down.

"I... I don't understa-" Skipper stopped suddenly when Kowalski punched the wall.

"Don't tell me you don't understand what I just said!" Kowalski took a couple of steps closer. Skipper took a couple of steps back. "Today! On the sidewalk! I looked at you... and you ignored me!" Kowalski started tearing up.

"That was insignificant, Kowalski. I was WALKING in a CROWD,"

"It doesn't matter! That was my breaking point, Skipper! You do that to me everyday!" Kowalski started taking large steps towards Skipper, and Skipper backed up farther and farther until he hit a wall. His eyes went wide as Kowalski closed in on him.

"Th-Then why don't you just leave?" Skipper said.

"I can't. I still love you Skipper," Kowalski rubbed his cheek on the top of his head for a minute before stopping.

"But, Kowalski, I don't- I don't love you," There was a long silence before Kowalski started to cry.

"Do you know h-how much I need y-you?" Kowalski covered his face with his hands and continued. "Wh-why can't you love me back?" Skipper watched the poor guy cry and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm just doing what's best for you..." Skipper patted his back as the man continued to cry. "I'm sorry," Skipper whispered to him. He knew he probably couldn't hear him, but at that point, it didn't really matter.

"I-I'm sorry I acted so cr-crazy, Skipper. I broke down," The taller man stood up straight and looked at Skipper.

"I understand," Skipper smiled slightly at him. Once Kowalski saw the smile, he started to fidget before he threw his arms around Skipper and planted a kiss on his lips. Skipper went wide-eyed at the sudden movement. But he down instantly and his body quivered at the gentle touch. He was about to close his eyes and enjoy it when he realized the implication and pulled away suddenly.

"I'm so sorry! I just couldn't hold myself back! I-"

"It's okay, Kowalski," Skipper said calmly as he held a finger to Kowalski's lips. "But it can't happen again," Kowalski looked disappointedly at Skipper.

"I know," He started walking towards his room. "You'll always get your way, you know. So, I'll go back into my room and we can pretend that...THAT didn't happen,"

"Agreed," There was a long silence.

"I'll always be waiting for you," Kowalski walked into his room and closed the room door.

Skipper plopped back into the chair he was sitting in earlier and put his head on the table. He thought of all the things that happened. The kiss... He touched his lips gently and shivered at the sudden chill he felt. He covered his head with his arms and sighed.

"I'll always be waiting for you,"


End file.
